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"Making mistakes is what people do."

I'm uncertain of how many times I've heard this phrase and all of its many variations. It doesn't make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me feel worse seeing as I would rather enjoy being something other than a mirrored image of my surrounding population. Inside me, I hear a constant ticking, not the rythmic beating of my heart, no, more like my life clock. It ticks away, and with every ridiculously avoidable mistake I make, I feel the little Kida inside me play with the mechanics of the clock, sabotaging it and bringing it ever closer to a bitter end. She takes out her little wrenches, her hammers, her screwdrivers, anything she can get her hands on, and then she tinkers with it. Always closer to the bitter end.

It's never easy to be in constant dispute with one's self. Little Kida disagrees with me most everyday, and it's gotten to the point where I wonder if perhaps Kida's the one that should be seen on the outside. She could be so much better than me. All that I seem to be good at is disappointing those that care most about me.

Drowning in self pity, I look forward to the first chance that appears before me to give myself up to impulse or whatever else the substances cause to arise inside. The vile poison goes in, flooding my insides with numbness. I stop caring about the world, forget about it entirely. I can feel myself letting go as though nothing in the world matters to me anymore. In truth though, many things do. The choice is mine to make and pitiful as it may be, it always ends with less than half a mind and double the pain.

As the hours go by, the pain worsens, the guilt made more potent as the memories come back, as little Kida cries over my idiocy and selfishness. "Everyone makes bad decisions." It brings no consolation. The ones I love, the ones that love me most, why is that I always make them suffer?

I made him cry. I lost control amidst the temptation of a glimpse of false freedom.

He may have forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself. There is no forgiveness to be given to those who don't deserve it. It will not be forgotten. No...

I hate myself. Yes, and Kida hates me too. Another knock on the ticking clock and soon it all goes boom.

-Feather