It's a truly terrible feeling, really. I'm torn again, so torn that I can't think straight. My thoughts are crooked words that all together make no sense. They are nonsense things describing everything I want but that all together create a horrendously disastrous picture, ugly in essence, content and colour.
I see in my mind what Kida sees, everyone's overall happiness, their acceptance in my past and current decisions, but I also see something dark and troubling that grabs with greedy hands at the illusion of near perfection that she had created of our life. That thing, that monster, is the thing that keeps me up at night, that wakes me up during dreamless sleep with a horrible pain in my body. During the day, my face is blank. Staring into empty spaces I think of what could be, what should be, and what I want. I hear the voices of different opinions, and as the pros and cons battle it out in my mind, outside I slowly fade. From fear of unfair and uneducated judgement of the matter, I've resorted to keeping all details of all happenings inside. They burn me and they hurt me, but at least the thoughts of others aren't adding fuel to the fire.
This fearful little loathesome coward that I am is afraid of making the wrong decision and causing indescribable pain to someone whom I care so much about. A feather is supposed to be gentle, light, soft, caressing, and any possible description of the like... I am crisp, dark, sharp-edged and ridiculously untouchable. I scratch holes in hearts with nothing more than indecisiveness as a motive and no matter how much it tears me apart, the only thing visible is the pain that I'm causing them.
Uglyness is all I see in the tear stains on my face that's become progressively more pale by day. Sick, I sicken myself. Every inch of my skin tingles with the sickening sensation of being someone that tries to bring love but who instead brings only an illusion that hides unmentionable torment.
I make him sick.
I make him not want to eat.
I make him throw up.
Kida wouldn't do this, she'd do the right thing, always the thing that people enjoy, expect and respect. I do only the opposite, "what I want to do", despite what everyone says.
I hate myself.
-Feather.
