Dear Baby,
I want to start by apologizing to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't know how much you were hurting and I'm sorry that I wasn't as present for you as I should have been. You were my big, strong little brother and I thought you could handle the world and I'm so sorry that I didn't carry more of the weight with you.
I have no idea what you had been going through in your mind, and I wish that you had let me in on it. Your big sister has a big, strong heart and I would've helped you through. I promise that I would have helped you through. But at the same time, I understand. I understand that talking is hard. I'm like you. You're like me. We're not big talkers, we're not big sharers. We want to seem strong and invincible and capable to take on the world.
The what ifs are endless, but I know they can't bring you back. You made a choice, a choice that at the time probably seemed like the only option.
You came by that night, but I was already in bed. I heard you come in to get food, but I didn't go downstairs to see you and tell you that I love you and I regret it. I regret it tremendously. I love you. I will always love you.
You did what you needed and I hope you've found peace. I don't know where you are, but I hope you're somewhere nice. I'd like to think you're in the wind, in the trees, in the fire... I'd like to think that you're everywhere near me. And if you're not in all those places, well, at least you're here with me, in my heart. You will always be there. I will keep you alive in my heart for as long as I breathe.
I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. You were my everything and it feels so empty without you. I'm not sure how I'll ever truly make it through this, but I'll continue trying to be strong because I know that's what you wanted me to be.
The tears get me and I hide them. I hide them fervently because I am strong. I am strong, just like you were strong.
We don't win every battle I guess. Right baby?
But like I promised, your big sister will remember. Everyone who loved you will remember.
Your goofy smile, your contagious laugh, your strong hugs, your kind words...
You were the most amazing thing to ever have happened to me.
I wish I could tell you again how much I love you. Being away from you this past year was so hard, probably one of the hardest things ever. I thought about you every. single. day. And you were what I looked forward to most when coming back home. You were the first person I wanted to see and the idea of not being able to see you again is tearing me apart.
I miss you.
There are some who may be upset at you, some who may say that it will take them a while to forgive you. Baby, you need to know that you don't need their forgiveness.
I love you. There are so many who love you. But, you know, no one loved you like your sister did. Yes, I am a little full of myself in this, but you know that I strongly believe it and I think you were aware of it too.
I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm so sorry that I was too late. I'm sorry you weren't able to count on me. I'm so sorry.
I love you, Big Baby.
Over and Out.
Love,
Your silly big sister
