Only moments ago I was in the shower, and it seemed as though the ideas were endless. There were so many things that I told myself would be interesting to say, to finally reveal and yet here I am, choking.
Things are too easily erased. It's even quite a lazy movement, the only thing necessary being my one finger to hold down the key and watch as everything goes back to blank, the same as it had been when the page was first opened. Trying to put in too much thought is like not trying at all. It just will not come out right and so the best one can hope for is that everything flows out naturally and in a manner that seems coherent enough to be understandable. If it isn't, well... there isn't much to be done about it. What has been said is no longer desirable in the world of the unsaid.
The world has been feeling pretty surreal recently. It's as though nothing matters and yet it matters so much that the outcome of every feeling is amplified into an outright avalanche of overreactions and sadness. Sleep turns into a luxury and concentration seems like something that once existed but that has now disappeared so that the world feels perpetually wrong, strange and even foreign, like a place meant for others and not for me. The world in which I find myself is a lonely one. The time to think about what I was, am, and could be however is abundant, and yet I don't feel like I am the presence. An instant without a setting to give it clarity, that is my location.
I was invited to go hiking in the flat city neighbour to my own, and I turned it down. The reasons still feel so wrong, I can't help but constantly think about what could have been, what that timeless instant could've been, what it wasn't. The spontaneity with which it was presented was attracting, soothing even because of the lock and chain that I seemed to have placed around myself to keep from straying away from the comfort of which I am already somewhat enjoying.
I am lost, and do not understand why I stick to this path although I do not see it bringing me the answers to any questions.
Most days, I wish that I could be more like my beloved Cow who is not afraid to stray and just let her feet do the thinking and wander. When I think back to how I thought I was no more than a few years ago, I remember thinking, "curious, easy-go-lucky, slightly full of herself yet so uncertain at the same time". When I think now, there is nothing but anxiety. There are things that I would like to do, people that I would love to be inspired by, friendships that I would like to strengthen and yet not one of these roads has begun. Stuck in a rut of wondering "who is this person that I dare call "me" and at the same time avoiding to answer that very same question, I feel motionless and lost.
However, even in my seemingly paralyzed state, I see people that intrigue me, people who's way of being makes me feel awake and also revives the curiosity that I've been trying to keep stuffed in the closet.
Decisions are difficult to make. The fact that the statement is obvious, however, brings no consolation. In deciding to act, a decision is made, as is when choosing not to. Either will almost definetly have an eternal consequence and further mold ones existence. Not knowing what the finished product is to look like is what makes it difficult.
Immobility caused by the fear of pain that will follow the decision that seems to feel right and yet so very wrong at the same time... I fear his pain. I fear his pain. I fear his pain. I fear his pain... And yet every now and again, I find myself blaming him for how I am, as though it is his fault that I am not meeting new people and not living the way I feel I would like to. It's unfair of me to do so and I am aware of that, but I am an imperfect being and there are days when I simply cannot help it, just as I cannot help my envious nature.
...I close my eyes as though to sleep and then there I am, alone at the peak of a mountain or underwater in the middle of an ocean or even flying through a lush forest, free to just exist without having to live. There, in that timeless instant, I am or am not, was or was not, will or will not be but I don't have to.
I need to breathe.
"Feather?"
"Yes?"
I can see her, staring at me. She looks like me, yet at the same doesn't.
"We should go hiking."
"Perhaps."
-Feather
