Sanity isn't home

I fear the meaning, I fear the meaning of self.

Goodnight, fair lady

"Mother, tell me a story. Tell me a story, mother."

"What kind of story would you like to hear, my love?"

"A sad one."

The mother looked at her child and smiled sadly. She brushed his long black locks from his face and tucked them behind his ear. 

"Why a sad one, my love?"

"Because my heart is sad."

"That reminds me of the story of a beautiful fairy princess!"

Her child smiled widely and his grey eyes were fixed intensely on her as he waited impatiently for her to begin her story.

"There once was a beautiful fairy princess who lived on the lake. Everyone in the land had heard of her beauty and many a man and beast had tried to win her heart. For years they tried; they brought gifts, fought battles, rode dragons, yet none seemed good enough for her. All marveled at her beauty, and although she appreciated their kind words and brave acts, none were able to melt her heart, for none were able to understand."

"Did she not like to be told she was pretty?"

"She wanted more. You see, my love, the fairy princess was blind and could not see their efforts.She did not know what she looked like and so their kind words were lost. One by one, they disappeared. One day, however, a young fellow came to her lake. This fellow did not proclaim his love to her. In fact, he said not a word. Instead, he took out a violin and played for her. She had never heard such beautiful music. She lay in the water, making not a sound for fear that she would miss even an instant of the beauty he was creating."

"Was he a handsome fellow?"

"It is said that he was, but that is not what mattered to our princess. She could not see him, remember?"

Her son giggled. She continued.

"Every day he would visit the princess, and every day he would play something new. The fellow hardly ever spoke, but he had the most melodious voice the fairy princess had ever heard. One day, the fellow said to the princess, 'Sing with me, Princess, you shall see. Something magnificent will happen.' And so she did. At first, she felt not a thing, but quickly, the sound of their music turned to beautiful colours. She had never seen colours before. She was so surprised, so delighted, that she cried tears of joy. She still could not see him, not exactly, but she knew where he stood from the golden orange and purple that danced around his frame. She flew toward him, and for the first time in almost an eternity, she left her lake and sat by his side. He stopped playing, and the colours around him slowly began to fade. 'I can no longer see you,' she said sadly. He took her hand and placed it on his cheek. 'You do not need to,' he replied. 'So long as you are here, so too will I. You do not have to see me. Hear me and know that I am by your side. Forever.' "

"This doesn't seem like a sad story, mother."

"Now, now, I am not finished! The fairy princess and the fellow quickly decided to get married. They invited all the creatures of the forest, and the creatures were so excited to hear that she had finally found her true love.

'A new dress for you princess,' said King Estermot, a beaver who had been deemed ruler of the animals of the land.'
'A new crown for you princess,' said King Amett, from the mountains ruled by the dwarfs.
'A new violin for your prince to be,' said Ymaria, leader of the elves.

The gifts kept coming as the wedding day approached, and to everyone the fairy princess would sing so that she may see them through their colours.

One day, however, as the princess lay on a lily pad braiding her hair, a strange man appeared before her.

'O princess,' he said. 'I have the most wonderful gift for you. It's not quite ready yet, but you shall see.'

That night, as the fairy princess and young fellow slept, a strange noise crept up through the forest. Startled, the princess woke her beloved.

'Who goes?' asked the fellow as he walked out into the forest toward the noise.

The fairy princess waited in worry until finally she heard footsteps returning.

'My love,' she said. 'You had me terribly worried!'

Suddenly, she was struck in the face, and her dark world darkened further."

At that, her son let out a gasp. His eyes widened with fear for the character he had come to love. The mother took his hands into her own before continuing.

"The next day was the morning of the wedding. The fairy princess was woken up by the sunlight; she opened her eyes and was blinded by it. Looking around, she could see the trees, the sky, her lake, a man...

'Who are you?' she asked. She blinked confusedly. 'Why can I see..?' The man smiled widely at her.

'I did promise that you would see,' he replied.

For a moment, the fairy princess was delighted by her gift, until she realized that her beloved was nowhere to be seen. At that moment she remembered that he had not returned last. Horrified, she flew to the waters edge and stared at her reflection. She hummed her favourite tune and her eyes glowed purple and orange.

'Now,' said the man, 'now you may see the rest of us and see that we are more beautiful than he!'"

The mother stared at her child and waited to see his reaction.

"Honey?" A man opened the door to the bedroom. The mother looked up at him. "Honey, what are you doing?"

"We were in the middle of a bedtime story. Can't you see?"

Tears flowed down the husband's face. "Honey... Our boy... He's..." Leaving his sentence unfinished, he left the room.

The mother turned back to the empty bed and continued her story. 

Tick Tock

"Decades," she muttered. "It feels like it's been decades."

"How so?" responded the wind, blowing gently through her hair, caressing her face. She lay on her back on the raft in the middle of the lake, her arms over her face and her knees bent toward the sky. 

"It feels like decades have passed since last we spoke." 

"So whisper to me all your woes. What are friends for if not for listening?"

She sighed and turned over, reaching one arm down into the cool water. It felt nice on her battered body, on her bloodied soul. Deep breaths. In. Out. Yes, just like that. 

"Are you truly going to listen?"

"Have I not always?"

She painted figure eights in the water, mechanically moving her fingers as she tried to decide from where to begin. She was overflowing with things to say and yet she said not a word. Instead she focused on the sound of the waves against the raft, melodious in their rhythm. 

"I'm sorry lake," she whispered.  "You're already so full but I'm afraid I'm going to be selfish and fill you up some more." At first there was nothing more than a few tears, but quickly they grew to deep sobs that shook her whole body. "I'm so sorry." Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. STOP CRYING. The girl sat up and abruptly stopped crying as she cradled her face in her hand. 

"Being afraid hurts."

She smiled sadly and stared at her fingers, at the crusty scabs that had formed from nervously peeling the skin of her fingers. She stopped staring and starting scratching at her arms.

"I don't understand," she mumbled. "How did it come to this? One moment we're all smiles and giggles, the next she's gone. She says we're happy and that we'll be friends forever. Kida always does that. Usually she comes back. I've been waiting. I've been sitting alone, calling for her but I suppose she's disappointed in me. She's punishing me. I want her back, I NEED her. She and I are eternity together. I didn't mean to push her so far away, and now she's gone. Disappeared." Just like the wind. "I knew you wouldn't listen. You always lie."

"And you're always stupid enough to think that someone wants to listen."

Well...

I'm starting to realize that I can be happy too. 

Unsoundness of the Mind

Dogs hanging from the ceiling
Eyes glued to crooked, pointed teeth
Glistening finger nails blue with blood
Whales in skinny jeans
All together in a restaurant
The rum is purple
Purple as the skin
All over eyelids flutter madly
They watch
They watch
They watch
Body grows smaller and then disappears
Jumped in front of the speeding caterpillar
The waves rose to the sky
Hands around the neck
Bubbles escape overwhelmed breathing tube
Shark on the earth
The snapping, snapping of pain
A roar of desperation
Bury help
Ashes stream down the cheeks
Imperfections blaze
Sloth runs and runs but gets nowhere
Falling upwards
To reality
Splashing
Flailing
Crying
8-legged things
Crawling
Crawling
Crawling.
Stuck, fading.
Fade to rainbow.


-Mango

The Re-write

The morning was cool, the streets empty and a light fog had settled over night. The wind was essentially dead, hardly managing a whisper in even the most silent of moments. The birds were silent, which was unusual for this time, for this time of year.

Slipping out the back door, he tiptoed down the balcony stairs, careful to skip the one that made a horrible creaking noise when stepped on. Even an outside noise would've been sufficient to awake his paranoid mother. She would've come running down the stairs in some sort of daze and yelled at him to go back inside, back to where it was safe, where nothing could hurt him...

He tiptoed through the grass, even though he was well aware that this would not be enough to wake her. As he walked around the house, he thought about her and what she had told him only a few days ago.

"Last night, I had a vision that something horrible was going to happen to you."

She had been trembling so intensely when he reached her that night, he needed to hold her tightly for at least half an hour for her to calm down.

"You died."

With his guitar on his back, he crossed his lawn and walked down the street to the bus stop. Perfectly late as usual, the bus arrived 5 minutes later than it's supposed time of arrival. Of course, he was not offended or frustrated in any way. It was not in him to be in a foul mood of any kind. It was so rare in fact, that most of his friends believed it to be non-existent.

Only 15 minutes into the route, he stood and rang the bell, descending into an area that he knew all too well. The neighborhood was quiet, probably oddly so, but he hardly noticed. In his mind he was playing some new chords, making melodies and rhythms, letting the ideas flow freely. He walked down the street, staring at the sky as the fog cleared slightly. His breathing was slow, and he hardly noticed when he arrived at the edge of the wooded area.

For a short moment, he paused, thinking of his poor mother who would probably break down when she didn't find him in his room when she awoke, but then, shaking the thought away, he remembered that she now remembered that he had a cell phone she could call in such cases before breaking into a panic.

Reassured, he entered the forest and followed the narrow path that led to one of the places he cherished most in the world. A person that he held very dear and shown him this place only a few years ago, and ever since, it had become a favorite location for peace and calming guitar playing. He moved the branches of trees out of the way as he advanced, the excitement already growing inside.The sound of a guitar being played softly reached his ears, and he couldn't help but move a little quicker, less careful about the branches in his path.

He stopped for a moment. Something wasn't right. Suddenly, he felt a stabbing pain in his chest that made him extremely dizzy. He reached out for a tree to support himself, but as soon as the pain had arrived, it was gone. Still, he stayed motionless for a moment, weary that it might return. When 5 minutes later, still nothing had happened, he continued forward.

Arriving at the edge of the clearing, he couldn't keep his smile from widening. Sitting on a rock by the river was his best friend, the one who had shown him this place a short while ago.

"Don", he said, startling his friend with his deep, Russian accent. "Somehow I knew you would be here. I'm starting to think that my mother has past down her uncanny intuitions to me."

-Mango

Repeat

3...2....1

The song is over. Press repeat. Listen to it again. Repeat. Again. Repeat. Again. Again. Again.

Your heart's a mess.

Again.

Your heart's a mess.

Again.

Again.

Strange, the more I write the word, the more it feels as though it's not written properly, as though something about it were wrong. The song seems that way too. With every listen it becomes more surreal. It sets the stage for a trance-like moment in which things seem to disappear and appear again, flickering in a world lit only by the strength of one's emotions.

I'm in a messy place and I don't know what to do to get out of it.

-Mango.