Message to My Baby

Dear Baby,

I want to start by apologizing to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't know how much you were hurting and I'm sorry that I wasn't as present for you as I should have been. You were my big, strong little brother and I thought you could handle the world and I'm so sorry that I didn't carry more of the weight with you.

I have no idea what you had been going through in your mind, and I wish that you had let me in on it. Your big sister has a big, strong heart and I would've helped you through. I promise that I would have helped you through. But at the same time, I understand. I understand that talking is hard. I'm like you. You're like me. We're not big talkers, we're not big sharers. We want to seem strong and invincible and capable to take on the world.

The what ifs are endless, but I know they can't bring you back. You made a choice, a choice that at the time probably seemed like the only option.

You came by that night, but I was already in bed. I heard you come in to get food, but I didn't go downstairs to see you and tell you that I love you and I regret it. I regret it tremendously. I love you. I will always love you.

You did what you needed and I hope you've found peace. I don't know where you are, but I hope you're somewhere nice. I'd like to think you're in the wind, in the trees, in the fire... I'd like to think that you're everywhere near me. And if you're not in all those places, well, at least you're here with me, in my heart. You will always be there. I will keep you alive in my heart for as long as I breathe.

I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. You were my everything and it feels so empty without you. I'm not sure how I'll ever truly make it through this, but I'll continue trying to be strong because I know that's what you wanted me to be.

The tears get me and I hide them. I hide them fervently because I am strong. I am strong, just like you were strong.

We don't win every battle I guess. Right baby?

But like I promised, your big sister will remember. Everyone who loved you will remember.

Your goofy smile, your contagious laugh, your strong hugs, your kind words...

You were the most amazing thing to ever have happened to me.

I wish I could tell you again how much I love you. Being away from you this past year was so hard, probably one of the hardest things ever. I thought about you every. single. day. And you were what I looked forward to most when coming back home. You were the first person I wanted to see and the idea of not being able to see you again is tearing me apart.

I miss you.

There are some who may be upset at you, some who may say that it will take them a while to forgive you. Baby, you need to know that you don't need their forgiveness.

I love you. There are so many who love you. But, you know, no one loved you like your sister did. Yes, I am a little full of myself in this, but you know that I strongly believe it and I think you were aware of it too.

I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm so sorry that I was too late. I'm sorry you weren't able to count on me. I'm so sorry.

I love you, Big Baby.

Over and Out.

Love,

Your silly big sister

I'm just a toy...

...waiting for you to play me.

This new Coheed & Cambria is different, but I like it.

Does it feel good to let go?

I've been relatively happy for the past little while. New peeps can do that to a person, I suppose.

That home

I held on as tightly as you held on to me.. I held on as tightly as you held on to me.

I love you friend. May you find happiness.

Play with me

"How was it again?"

"Exciting!"

The two friends sat out in their favourite spot, under a willow tree, a willow tree that had probably seen thousands of wondrous events. The two boys,Todd and Leif, had decided long ago that this would be their special meeting place. The branches hid them perfectly from the outside world, not that they ever feared being seen. They knew that they were different from everyone else, but being together made them feel normal.

Leif lay on his belly on a lower branch, his arm hanging down above Todd's head. Todd stared up at him, eager to hear more, but Leif was not ready to share the story quite in its entirety, he was far too excited by the thought of it, too excited to really speak. Instead he inhaled slowly, breathing through his nose.

"What time..." Todd started to mumble.

"Shh! Don't say it if we're not playing!"

Todd giggled sheepishly and took giant steps around the base of the tree with his arms outstretched and his hands raised, as he growled lowly. Back where he started, he growled and grabbed Leif by the hand, pulling him off his branch. He fell onto his friend and they both laughed loudly as they stood and wiped the dirt off their bodies.

 "Tell me about the game!" insisted Todd. "When will you let me play with you guys?"

"Soon Todd! I promise!"

"Todd!" a voice yelled from beyond the droopy branches.

"Supper time!" exclaimed Todd. "See ya tomorrow Leif!"

"Ok! Bring some friends with you! It's more fun with more people."

Todd nodded happily and ran out to greet his mother. She took his hand as they walked back toward the house.

"Was that Leif with you?" she asked.

"Of course mom! No one else ever wants to hang out with me there."

"Well, it's nice that he was able to make a new friend so soon. I'm so proud of you for being so nice and welcoming, son."

"Tomorrow I'm going to try to convince the others to come with us to play a new game that Leif knows. The game needs piggies, mom! Piggies, piggies, piggies!"

"Piggies?" she asked. When her son didn't answer, she shrugged and smiled at how funny kids could be.

-

The next day, during lunch, Todd excitedly told his friends about the game he and Leif wanted to play with them. At first, they seemed uncertain, but Todd quickly turned it into a challenge. He knew his friends and how most of them were pretty competitive. They agreed, eager to prove themselves.

"I'm the foxy piggy," stated Marlene, the only girl in the group of friends. She twirled around in her new red dress (Todd knew it was new because she had gone on about it all morning), flipped her hair, and gave each boy a look, one after the other. Todd didn't quite understand. He thought she was weird, and every day she got to be more and more weird. Last week she had asked if he had noticed anything different about her and had stuck out her chest at him. When he had said no, she got mad and didn't talk to him for the rest of the day. When he asked his mother about it, she just laughed and said that he would understand eventually.

"Your dress looks really pretty, Marlene," said Leif. He had told Todd recently that he had a huge crush on her. Todd had pretended to gag.

"Thanks..." replied Marlene.

"Hmm... I think I want to be the athletic piggy," decided Trevor. He was tall for his age, and big-boned as he would call it. He once told Todd that he had played 7 minutes in heaven with Marlene, and said that their game had last twenty minutes. When Todd asked what the game was and what that meant, Trevor gave him a weird look and told him that if he needed to ask, he didn't deserve to know.

"Sounds like an oxymoron," teased Todd.

"Definitely genius piggy for you Todd," grumbled Trevor, upset that he didn't know what that word meant.

"What about me?" asked Noah shyly. Although some thought it strange that he was dark-skinned and had red hair and green eyes, Todd, Marlene, and Trevor realized instantly how special he was and were not in the least put off by his appearance.

"You can be the beautiful piggy," said Marlene as she walked over to him and played with his hair. He sat there and glowed. Had one of the boys said it, he wouldn't have liked it, Todd knew. But for some reason, because it had been Marlene, for some reason, it was fine. Eventually.

"What about Leif?" asked Trevor.

"Leif isn't a piggy," replied Todd.

The bell rang, signaling the end of their lunch break.

-

That evening, after they had all gone home, done their homework, and eaten supper, the friends met up in Todd and Leif's favourite spot under the giant willow.

"Alright!" yelled Leif excitedly. "You can all stand back over there, with your backs to me. No cheating!"

They all lined up by the edge of the tree's drooping branches, eagerly awaiting the start of the game.

"Don't forget to cover your eyes!"

Todd took a deep breath and covered his eyes. He had been waiting such a long time for Leif to let him play the game.

"Go!" shouted Leif.

In unison, all the kids spoke. "What time is it Mr. Wolf?"

"Three o'clock," said Leif.

Todd, with eyes covered so that he could not see the others, took three small steps backward. Similarly, Noah also took three cautious steps back. Marlene and Trevor, on the other hand, took three giant steps back. They couldn't see each other, but both wanted to get as close to the wolf as they possibly could. The one to have been the closest and to have survived would gain instant bragging rights.

They said again, "What time is it Mr. Wolf?"

"Seven o'clock."

Feeling a little more daring, Noah took seven sizable steps back. Todd kept to his moderate pace. He felt no need to get too close; he simply wanted to be the first one to make it back to the line and say that he had survived to play another round as a piggy. The other two were nearly leaping for their steps.

It continued this way for several minutes.

"What time is it Mr. Wolf?"

"LUNCH TIME!"

Todd uncovered his eyes to see that he was a lot further than he had imagined from the starting line. Everyone else was behind, so he had a better chance of being the first one back. He broke into a sprint, smiling widely from ear to ear. When he heard Marlene scream, he knew that Leif had caught her.

"This piggy's gonna make it!" he yelled.

Just then, Trevor appeared at his side, racing towards the starting line.

"Why is he screaming? Is he that happy that Marlene lost?" Suddenly, a dark shape ran up behind Trevor. He fell to the ground.

He was about to stop and check but heard Noah running behind him.

"Run faster Todd!" he yelled frantically.

They were only inches away from the line when Noah tripped; or at least that's what Todd thought had happened. He turned to help his friend but what he saw terrified him. A giant white wolf was covered in blood, it dripped from the leg that it had in its mouth. Todd watched as it swallowed the leg. Noah, petrified, lay there as his blood pooled. The wolf walked up beside him and grabbed him by the head, tearing it off with one swift move.

"Get behind the line Todd!" he hard Trevor scream.

Somehow, he managed, and took those last steps to cross the starting line. The wolf looked at him and howled. Todd, legs shaking, collapsed. Head in his hands, he sobbed. He heard Trevor's scream and then heard them stop. He shook back and forth.

"You did well Todd."

At the sound of Leif's voice, Todd slowly raised his head. There was his friend, drenched in blood, breathing heavily with the same look on his face as when he would talk about the game.

"Red tasted as sweet as she looked. And oh those piggies. Nice piggies. But one piggy always survives Todd."

Todd could see the mangled bodies of his friends all over the grass. He cried.

"One piggy always survives. Smart piggy."

Sanity isn't home

I fear the meaning, I fear the meaning of self.

Goodnight, fair lady

"Mother, tell me a story. Tell me a story, mother."

"What kind of story would you like to hear, my love?"

"A sad one."

The mother looked at her child and smiled sadly. She brushed his long black locks from his face and tucked them behind his ear. 

"Why a sad one, my love?"

"Because my heart is sad."

"That reminds me of the story of a beautiful fairy princess!"

Her child smiled widely and his grey eyes were fixed intensely on her as he waited impatiently for her to begin her story.

"There once was a beautiful fairy princess who lived on the lake. Everyone in the land had heard of her beauty and many a man and beast had tried to win her heart. For years they tried; they brought gifts, fought battles, rode dragons, yet none seemed good enough for her. All marveled at her beauty, and although she appreciated their kind words and brave acts, none were able to melt her heart, for none were able to understand."

"Did she not like to be told she was pretty?"

"She wanted more. You see, my love, the fairy princess was blind and could not see their efforts.She did not know what she looked like and so their kind words were lost. One by one, they disappeared. One day, however, a young fellow came to her lake. This fellow did not proclaim his love to her. In fact, he said not a word. Instead, he took out a violin and played for her. She had never heard such beautiful music. She lay in the water, making not a sound for fear that she would miss even an instant of the beauty he was creating."

"Was he a handsome fellow?"

"It is said that he was, but that is not what mattered to our princess. She could not see him, remember?"

Her son giggled. She continued.

"Every day he would visit the princess, and every day he would play something new. The fellow hardly ever spoke, but he had the most melodious voice the fairy princess had ever heard. One day, the fellow said to the princess, 'Sing with me, Princess, you shall see. Something magnificent will happen.' And so she did. At first, she felt not a thing, but quickly, the sound of their music turned to beautiful colours. She had never seen colours before. She was so surprised, so delighted, that she cried tears of joy. She still could not see him, not exactly, but she knew where he stood from the golden orange and purple that danced around his frame. She flew toward him, and for the first time in almost an eternity, she left her lake and sat by his side. He stopped playing, and the colours around him slowly began to fade. 'I can no longer see you,' she said sadly. He took her hand and placed it on his cheek. 'You do not need to,' he replied. 'So long as you are here, so too will I. You do not have to see me. Hear me and know that I am by your side. Forever.' "

"This doesn't seem like a sad story, mother."

"Now, now, I am not finished! The fairy princess and the fellow quickly decided to get married. They invited all the creatures of the forest, and the creatures were so excited to hear that she had finally found her true love.

'A new dress for you princess,' said King Estermot, a beaver who had been deemed ruler of the animals of the land.'
'A new crown for you princess,' said King Amett, from the mountains ruled by the dwarfs.
'A new violin for your prince to be,' said Ymaria, leader of the elves.

The gifts kept coming as the wedding day approached, and to everyone the fairy princess would sing so that she may see them through their colours.

One day, however, as the princess lay on a lily pad braiding her hair, a strange man appeared before her.

'O princess,' he said. 'I have the most wonderful gift for you. It's not quite ready yet, but you shall see.'

That night, as the fairy princess and young fellow slept, a strange noise crept up through the forest. Startled, the princess woke her beloved.

'Who goes?' asked the fellow as he walked out into the forest toward the noise.

The fairy princess waited in worry until finally she heard footsteps returning.

'My love,' she said. 'You had me terribly worried!'

Suddenly, she was struck in the face, and her dark world darkened further."

At that, her son let out a gasp. His eyes widened with fear for the character he had come to love. The mother took his hands into her own before continuing.

"The next day was the morning of the wedding. The fairy princess was woken up by the sunlight; she opened her eyes and was blinded by it. Looking around, she could see the trees, the sky, her lake, a man...

'Who are you?' she asked. She blinked confusedly. 'Why can I see..?' The man smiled widely at her.

'I did promise that you would see,' he replied.

For a moment, the fairy princess was delighted by her gift, until she realized that her beloved was nowhere to be seen. At that moment she remembered that he had not returned last. Horrified, she flew to the waters edge and stared at her reflection. She hummed her favourite tune and her eyes glowed purple and orange.

'Now,' said the man, 'now you may see the rest of us and see that we are more beautiful than he!'"

The mother stared at her child and waited to see his reaction.

"Honey?" A man opened the door to the bedroom. The mother looked up at him. "Honey, what are you doing?"

"We were in the middle of a bedtime story. Can't you see?"

Tears flowed down the husband's face. "Honey... Our boy... He's..." Leaving his sentence unfinished, he left the room.

The mother turned back to the empty bed and continued her story. 

Tick Tock

"Decades," she muttered. "It feels like it's been decades."

"How so?" responded the wind, blowing gently through her hair, caressing her face. She lay on her back on the raft in the middle of the lake, her arms over her face and her knees bent toward the sky. 

"It feels like decades have passed since last we spoke." 

"So whisper to me all your woes. What are friends for if not for listening?"

She sighed and turned over, reaching one arm down into the cool water. It felt nice on her battered body, on her bloodied soul. Deep breaths. In. Out. Yes, just like that. 

"Are you truly going to listen?"

"Have I not always?"

She painted figure eights in the water, mechanically moving her fingers as she tried to decide from where to begin. She was overflowing with things to say and yet she said not a word. Instead she focused on the sound of the waves against the raft, melodious in their rhythm. 

"I'm sorry lake," she whispered.  "You're already so full but I'm afraid I'm going to be selfish and fill you up some more." At first there was nothing more than a few tears, but quickly they grew to deep sobs that shook her whole body. "I'm so sorry." Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. STOP CRYING. The girl sat up and abruptly stopped crying as she cradled her face in her hand. 

"Being afraid hurts."

She smiled sadly and stared at her fingers, at the crusty scabs that had formed from nervously peeling the skin of her fingers. She stopped staring and starting scratching at her arms.

"I don't understand," she mumbled. "How did it come to this? One moment we're all smiles and giggles, the next she's gone. She says we're happy and that we'll be friends forever. Kida always does that. Usually she comes back. I've been waiting. I've been sitting alone, calling for her but I suppose she's disappointed in me. She's punishing me. I want her back, I NEED her. She and I are eternity together. I didn't mean to push her so far away, and now she's gone. Disappeared." Just like the wind. "I knew you wouldn't listen. You always lie."

"And you're always stupid enough to think that someone wants to listen."